It’s been a busy couple of weeks here for both Mariann and myself. Real life tends to rear its annoying little head at the most inopportune times. Seriously, doesn’t the Universe understand that there are dates to be made and stories to be told? This is no time for laundry and trips to the dentist! On the upside, one of the things we’ve been busy with is reading through some wonderful submissions from talented writers for our LifeBytes…Real Stories anthology. I know that there are many more of you out there…we anxiously await your tales.
Now, you may be out there saying, “Well, I have these experiences to write about, but I’m not sure what you obviously charming gals are looking for”. The simple answer is: EVERYTHING, not only the happy-ending stories, but the funny, scary, off-beat and downright, This Has To Be True, Its Too Strange Not To Be tales. Oh, and don’t forget the “dates” that never really get past the emailing stage!
Those first emails can be nerve-wracking. How much do you share about yourself? Should I email a lot before we meet? Just a little? Fortunately, there’s lots of advice out there about “email etiquette”. One of our favorite sites is OnlineDatingMagazine.com. There are some great articles on this site and we highly recommend it. Of course, there are times when etiquette is completely unnecessary because, lets face it, you don’t feel the least tempted to answer them at all.
I really regret not printing out some of the emails I received from internet date connections. I could publish a book just on some of these gems alone, and I don’t mean the emails that I reply to either. Oh no, these are the of the Chuckle > DELETE variety. You’ve gotten more than your share of those, haven’t you?
I was online one rainy Saturday morning, going through my emails when I spotted a note from someone who lived in San Diego. I was curious as to who this was since my profile was specific about me wanting my dates to be G.A. (that’s Geographically Appropriate for the uninitiated. No long distance romance for me, thank you). I opened the email and saw this message.
Hello, I am a professional Opera singer who is in the city for the weekend. I would like to meet you at a local hotel (your choice) for an afternoon of exquisite sexual pleasures. Please write back with your preference as to time and place.
I glanced down at my cat hair encrusted robe (my cats love me or maybe it’s just my robe they love. I’m never quite sure), lightly patted my extreme bed-hair and took another delicate sip of the cup of joe that was contributing to my rampant dragon breath and thought, “Hmmm, do I want to go and take a shower right now so I can DASH out of the house to have sex with a total stranger? Let me think. NO!!” Out of curiosity I took a look at his profile. Opera Man had a photo of himself posted wearing tights and a ruffled shirt. Here’s to hoping on everything that is right and holy that he was on a stage when that was taken. This was absolutely a Chuckle > DELETE. (Editor’s note: Keep in mind that a really good dating site like Match.com will give you the ability to block users who get too “creepy”)
Then there was the email I got that went something like this:
I am a married man (YES, he actually admitted to that in an email…they usually let you figure it out on your own) looking for a passionate romance. I think that you are a very beautiful woman and would like for that romance to be with you.
Although he was so “Honest” (I type sarcastically) about his marital status, I just had to: Chuckle > DELETE. The funny part is that he actually wrote back to me about a week later.
Hello, it’s me again. I am a very passionate and loving man and also very truthful (SURE honey, so was Bill Clinton), but my wife is “Sleeping Beauty” and I sincerely want a loving relationship. You are a very beautiful woman and if you would like to be with someone who will treat you like a queen while you wait for your “Prince Charming” please contact me.
Many quick and pithy replies came to my mind like, “I’ve MET your wife honey and, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but she’s cheating on you with Sneezy AND Grumpy AND Doc. Her pet name for you is Dopey”. In the end though I just settled for the usual Chuckle > DELETE. Thankfully, that was the last I heard from Honestly Married Man.
I never felt the least bit of guilt over deleting these folks though, considering the varied multitudes who are dating online It’s almost a given that Opera Man and Honestly Married Man actually connected with someone. Let’s face it, one person’s Chuckle > DELETE is another’s Oh Wow > REPLY…:)
So dear fans and friends here is your writing prompt for the week: What are the most bizarre emails that you’ve ever gotten via online dating?