Posted by: Shar & Mare | February 10, 2010

Three Degrees of Attitude


I was with some girlfriends the other day, chatting over coffee, fresh fruit and pastries when the conversation turned to dating. We were a mix of married, single and significant-othered so we all had different perspectives. One of my friends whom I hadn’t seen in a while asked me whatever happened to that nice man I was seeing. I told her I’d broken it off some months before and then someone else mentioned that “didn’t I meet him online?”

“Yes, I did. On Match.com,” I said.

Five women did what females tend to do when the conversation is about to get Good. We all simultaneously grabbed a pastry (ignoring, of course, the fruit!) and started munching away as the comments started flying faster than the cookie crumbs.

“What was it like? Wasn’t it scary, meeting someone you know nothing about?”
“I heard that a lot of the men on those sites are married!”
“My cousin’s friend’s sister met someone online and he turned out to be a huge alcoholic.”
“Well, my co-worker’s friend’s mother just got married to a guy she met online.”

My answers were: In an exhilarating kind of way….like skydiving. Knowing how to weed out the undesirables is an art form. See previous note about the art of filtering – learn it! Congratulations!!

Yes, it can be very challenging to date online. It takes time and practice, patience, stamina and a finely tuned sense of humor.

I hear from many singles who try online dating, have one or two bad dates and then refuse to date online ever again. I also have friends who just keep plugging away at meeting and dating new people despite the seemingly never-ending string of bad dates or worse, boring dates. Who do you think will find a long-term relationship someday? You get three guesses, the first two don’t count.

Mama never said it would be easy. But it’s absolutely possible to find that special someone online. I did, it didn’t work out in the long run but we had two and a half years together that I will treasure forever. My niece just got engaged to her soulmate who she met on eHarmony.com (Congratulations Blair and Josh!…:) So how do you do it? How do you date online, keep your sanity and sense of humor and increase your chances of finding a good and honorable mate? Attitude….with a capital A.

I’ve written alot of things about the ground rules for online dating and how to navigate these tricky waters but the first and foremost thing you need is Attitude.

Attitude is how you approach online dating. There are Three Degrees of Attitude.

Courageous Attitude – There ARE a lot of undesirable types online, married, manipulative, con men (and women), and a lot of these snakes can appear very, very charming. You need to realize that you’ll come across these people online, it’s a risk you take in the online dating arena. But you will be able to weed out these baddies because you have a:

Realistic Attitude – You are not desperate to find someone…NOW!!! You know that this process takes time and patience and you know that if someone seems even remotely inappropriate, you will quickly and easily say…”Goodbye…Next!” and move on to a new person. And you will meet a great guy or gal because you have a

Positive Attitude – This is the one that lets you laugh about the dates-from-hell. It allows you to just go out and enjoy meeting a match for the first time because even if it doesn’t lead to a second date, you’ll have had a great conversation with a person who you never would have met had it not been for the internet.

The three Degrees of Attitude will keep you sane enough to keep on plugging away at dating (as opposed to spending the rest of your Saturday nights cozying up to a pint or two of ice cream). The Attitudes will enable you to laugh at the bad dates (and sometimes yourself) and they’ll lead, at some point in time, to a guy or gal who matches you on (as eHamony says) 27 points of compatiblity.. AND Attitude.

Sharon

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Responses

  1. Hi Sharon,
    I really think that your attitudes need correction, unless this post was written tongue in cheek. I think a woman is heading for single-hood if she considers a boring date the worst case scenario. Entertaining first date conversation is a very superficial thing. Entertaining conversations wont make a lasting marriage. Even the most talented writers run out of quality material. Take Henry James for example. In his later period he is known as the Great Pretender. Do you honestly think that the same person can keep you entertained for 10 – 15 – 20 years? Then you say that you will rapidly move on if you see something even remotely inappropriate. I don’t know of many people who are 100% normal as was written in the previous post. 27 points of compatibility? I feel a little stupid writing this comment suspecting highly that you weren’t serious. Is this satire?

    • HI A,
      Well, tongue-in-cheek in a serious kind of way. Singles who date online find certain scenarios recurring over and over and by Attitude, I mean that one should have the confidence to approach online dating as a process, not the be-all and end-all of one’s life.

      That first date is an important one. You’re getting to know your date’s likes, dislikes, style and personality. When this date makes you yawn …you’ve got to think that, with few exceptions, it won’t get better on later dates. Of course, this is while keeping in mind that one persons “BORRRRING” is another persons “WOWWW!” And of course it doesn’t mean that you have to be perpetually entertaining for years and years. Who can manage that? Not me..especially at the end of a stressful work week…:)

      The “remotely inappropriate” part is important for safety reasons. Dating online can be scary – when you think that there are a lot of singles out there who misrepresent themselves online. This can range from the silly (people who post pix of themselves from 10 years ago) to the inappropriate (married’s posing as single) to the down right scary (people with criminal records, etc.) As single people in this anonymous world of online dating, we must have our instincts sharply honed at all times. If someone you meet online strikes you as insincere or creepy in any way, you have to listen to those instincts.

      Attitude is just about keeping yourself safe and grounded.


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