Posted by: Shar & Mare | October 20, 2010

Q & A Wednesday


Q & A WednesdayWelcome to Q & A Wednesday, our new weekly column of “She Said, She Said” dating advice. We’ll bring our conservative and UN-conservative viewpoints to the table to give you the wisdom of our collected years of dating. We aim to enlighten….and amuse.

OH yes, those snarky remarks we make to and about each other? Please don’t be frightened…these are nothing compared to the hair-pulling fist fights we get into when we argue face to face (maybe someday we’ll add a video…you’ll like that).

So, without further ado…less qualified than Dr. Helen Fischer….more qualified than Dr. Phil…here are Sharon and Mariann’s answers to your burning questions.

QUESTION:
Guys who do not pay on a first date are in my estimation … CHEAP. It is a pet peeve that they can’t step up and just buy a drink or dinner. Should I offer to split the first date expenses? If I do, and he accepts, should I hold it against him? Frustrated in Leonia.

Mariann:

Don’t be frustrated in Leonia. Men need to step up and be men and court the woman. If he is asking you, then let him pay. DO NOT, and in case I was not clear, DO NOT offer to pay. At the end of the date before the check comes, just turn to your date and say, “Thank you so much so much for dinner (or if it was drinks). I appreciate it. This was nice.” He should smile and will know that he is paying the bill. Woman make it too easy for men these days. Raise the level of expectation and behavior that he has to meet in order to date you. If he is really interested, he will step up. If not, then I suggest you move on. Now, go out and have some fun!

Sharon:
Mariann is a tough %$&#@! isn’t she? I agree that I like to see that my date is a gentleman and is willing to pay for the first date too. I have to admit though that there have been times, meeting an online connection off-line for the first time (which I don’t consider to be a “date” but casual meeting), when I’ve offered to split the bill. I like to see the guy’s reaction. Does he get annoyed? Politely turn you down and pay himself? Get angry? Say OK? I find that his reaction is a pretty good barometer of his gallantry (and possible willingness to spring for some sexy lingerie for you ….should the sparks fly in the future). Notice I said gallantry and not cheapness. I think that’s something that becomes apparent over time and can’t really be judged by one meeting or date…especially in this economy.

QUESTION
Table manners are important to me. This one guy I met on Chemistry.com is great … except for his table manners. I can’t take it any longer. I have tried to be subtle but that is not working. It’s only been 2 months, but he could be the one … if it weren’t for his table manners .. or lack thereof.

Sharon:
I’ll read between the lines of your question here and say that it sounds as if, other than the barnyard-worthy eating habits, you’re pretty happy with this guy, if so….Mazel Tov! Table manners were learned at Mama’s knee and can’t be changed with hints or subtlety. You’ll have to be direct on this one. Find a non-threatening time (which means NOT while he’s shoveling cheese fries into his mouth by the fistful) to broach the subject. Start by pointing out all the things you like and appreciate about him, then lead into the table manners discussion. You may have to literally SHOW him how to behave at the table. If you’re feeling playful at home on an evening you can turn it into a sexy game of “pick up the right utensil and I’ll drop an item of clothing from my person”! You’ll need to bring out the big guns on this one with lessons that he’ll really remember…in a positive way!

Mariann:
Well, isn’t Sharon quite the slut – taking off pieces of clothing to convince someone not to eat like a Neanderthal. Really!? I understand your plight. I too hate poor table manners – it totally turns my stomach. Now, that may be fine for dieting, but not for dating. But, there is good news here — this is fixable!! I agree with Sharon that you have to be honest here. You do not need to remove articles of clothing to make your point. But, if you talk to him in a positive, encouraging and loving way about something he can change that will ultimately be good for him and both of you, then I think this almost perfect relationship could be perfect. He has to at least respect that you love him enough to be honest with him, which means you can have fun, but sometimes you have to broach the difficult topics. This will only make your relationship stronger … ok, providing he does not go stomping off like a cry baby – in which case, you were saved a life of living with an immature man-child who can not take constructive criticism. Let us know how it goes!

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Responses

  1. I love this! Just some recon from the guy’s perspective on the whole “who pays” thing… on our first date, Eric & I did a lot of things, starting with drinks & skee ball at 3 p.m., to dinner, to drinks & music after… at dinner, I offered to pay my share (if I remember correctly, it was the only offer I made during the 14-hour date) and he refused and paid.

    I appreciated that he paid, of course, and have always questioned a second date with guys who don’t pay. But at the same time, he’s told me since that he appreciated the fact that I offered and although he’s always pay, he sometimes wouldn’t go on 2nd dates with women who didn’t offer!

    Men. Always gotta be contrary, huh?

  2. HAH! I’ve often suspected that guys were “testing” me too on date #1…now I know.

  3. I’m sorry, but the first date is NOT a time for a guy to be “testing” you. I can see the 3rd date. MAYBE the 2nd. But, certainly not the first!!

  4. I’m just letting you know that some do, that’s all. A look from other side of the fence. Honestly, I’m not keen on anyone testing anyone.

  5. Interesting discussion peeps! I think, especially with online dating, that we tend to “observe with keen eyes” how our dates are acting/reacting. It’s not necessarily calculated testing…but the info we’re processing almost always plays into our first impressions of our date….sometimes even more than how cute his butt looks in those jeans…LOL


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