Posted by: Shar & Mare | November 3, 2010

Q & A Day: Liquor and Riding In Cars With Boys


Q & A WednesdayQUESTION:
My date had 6 beers on our first date. I had 2 glasses of wine. He was fine but definitely got more animated over time. It made me wonder how much he drinks when no one is there and does he have a problem. What should I do … say something?

Mariann:

I believe in the 2 drink minimum on a date – especially a first date! You want to present yourself well and stay coherent. To be honest, this worries me. There is a fine line between having fun and having a problem. If he drinks a lot every time you go out, then there is a problem. If you really like this guy, then go out a few more times. If this seems like a pattern or obsession, then walk away. You do not need baggage or problems. If you feel you want to say something, you can. But, be prepared for denial, excuses or even anger. So tread carefully.

Sharon
I met an online date for dinner once, at a BYOB Chinese restaurant. When we sat down he said that he was going to the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine and would that be OK. I said sure, I would have one glass of wine. I’m sort of with Mariann on this one except that I stick to one and only one glass of wine. During dinner, as I sipped my one glass, he managed to finish the bottle. Yes…a little scary, but he seemed like basically a nice guy and didn’t get crazy or sloppy so I decided to give him one more date before I categorized him as a raving drunk. We went to dinner again the next week…to a place that was know for its amazing wine list. He only had two glasses this time. Turns out he was extremely nervous on that first date and needed a little liquid courage. So, bottom line is….use your judgment. It wouldn’t hurt to give someone promising a second look-see, just keep you eyes and ears open for those red flags.

Mariann
Sharon, are you sure you were not the one who finished the bottle o’wine? I agree with you that sometimes people on a first date will partake in the liquid grape for courage and to eliminate nervousness. That is understandable. But, if they do that on every date or seem to need to drink on a date, then I think they have a problem that you don’t need to deal with. Move on!

QUESTION
I met a guy on line and we have emailed for 2 months and talked a couple of times. He seems really nice and he wants to pick me up at my house for a first date. Is this alright?

SHARON

Recent surveys show that one out of every three women who date online have sex on the first date. Given your question, I’m guessing that you don’t fall into this category. Of course the surveys don’t mention if these women are getting picked up at their homes or are insisting on meeting the guys somewhere. They may want to meet their dates somewhere so they can beat a hasty retreat after the sex. Yes, guys….women do that sometimes too. We do…stop shaking your heads no…you’re wrong. BUT, I digress. What was the question? Oh yes, getting picked up on the first date. Here’s the rule of thumb that I use with internet dates. A profile will tell you a tiny bit about how a person perceives him (or her) self. A phone call will tell you something of how YOU perceive this new person. And a face to face meeting will tell you some of the truth about what your date is really like – but not everything. That takes even more time and conversation. Given all this, I always….ALWAYS…plan to meet a new person somewhere. I like to get to know someone before I hop into their car (or home or bed or hot tub).

Mariann
Safety and caution are always the best paths to take. You may determine from your emails and phone calls that you know this guy and feel very safe. But, the fact is — you don’t REALLY know him. You need to give yourself some time to know and trust him. He has to prove he is a gentleman. My rule of thumbs are: 1) Always meet in a public place for at least the first 2 to 3 dates. It is an easy exit if the date does not go well. 2) Wait for at least 3 dates before you give your address or let him know where you live exactly.

This may seemed old fashioned. At LIFEBYTES, we have received numerous stories from women who had a great connection with their online mate via computer and phone and felt safe meeting at their house or hotel only to find themselves the victim of rape or a violent crime. That happening is just one bad decision away. In the case of your safety, caution will only protect you. So, tell your friend that you appreciate his gentlemanly offer to pick you up, but for the first few dates, you are more comfortable meeting in a public location. If he is a true gentleman, he will understand. If he cops an attitude, he may not be the gentleman he is trying to project himself to be.

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Responses

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Larissa Symbouras, Sharon & Mariann. Sharon & Mariann said: Can you tell on a first date if someone has a drinking problem? http://ow.ly/33JYb […]


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