Posted by: Shar & Mare | December 15, 2010

Emails and Sex: How Fast Is Too Fast?


Question
This girl and I met on line and we emailed a couple of times and I asked her if she wants to meet for coffee and she wants to email a bit longer before meeting. What’s up with that? I am ready to move on. I don’t want to waste my time if the chemistry is not right in person.

Sharon
I personally have a “2-3 emails then we MUST meet” rule. This stemmed from a really bad experience that I had with endlessly emailing before I met someone. Because of that I am, to this day, still completely traumatized by garden gnome statues. Chemistry is important (and not just if you run a Meth lab). Of course there’s email chemistry and there’s real life chemistry. Ideally you want a little bit of both…but you can have one without the other. So, yeah, you need to meet each other.

That said…..keep in mind that she may just not be sure that you aren’t a con-artist or a crazed internet axe murderer. Check the emails that you’ve written to her. If you’ve asked her to bankroll your attempted governmental coup in Nigeria, then you are most probably a con-artist and shouldn’t meet this girl. Also, if you wrote and waxed poetic about sharp-edged metal implements and the bloody damage that they could inflict on the human skull….well, I’m sorry to inform you that you are a potential mass-murderer and should arrange to meet a therapist. If your emails are all sweet and benign then you should assure her that you are a kind person who loves puppies and kittens and arrange to meet her for coffee.

Mariann:
I’d like to know who the heck Sharon is emailing that she would give such examples. I am frightened. Hold on Mr. Impatient. Maybe the girl wants to have a little more of a dialogue with you so she can get a better a sense of who you are so she can determine if you are someone she wants to meet. Do you write one line emails with little or no information about yourself or do you share with your email exchanges? Try giving a little more of yourself and after about another 4-6 emails, I think then it is OK to meet. If she keeps putting it off … move on.

Question
I went on match and dated a lot of “duds.” Finally met a really cute and funny guy and at the end of the first date, I could really feel the chemistry. I am very sexually inexperienced and am not sure how or if I let him know … I feel we might reach that point sooner rather than later.

Mariann:
Females lead and men follow. Sorry guys. You set the pace. If you like the guy, you can find ways to let him know you do. And, communicate … let him know that you like him but you want to take it slow. If he likes you, he will respect you and want to make sure you are comfortable.

I am sure Sharon will ramble on about weird out of this world examples about finding ways at how you can disrobe on the first date (she’s a slut!) …. or get all “pot smoking 60’s wow man that’s cool” on you and tell you to just let if flow and not worry about the number of dates but how you feel. Blah Blah Blah. Have respect for yourself and only do what you feel comfortable in a time-frame that suits you. If the guy is interested, he will only find it charming. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes.

Sharon
Who you callin’ a slut Mariann? And what’s this nonsense about dis-robing? Just because I don’t walk around in high-necked Victoria garb…Like SOME people I know….Mariann! But, enough about Mariann’s lacy wardrobe. By inexperienced, do you mean that you’ve never been intimate with a man, or have been intimate with very few men?

Now, this is important, so pay attention.

You decide when, and if you will be heading to the sack with a guy. You are in the driver’s seat (excuse me a minute while I resuscitate Mariann, who’s just passed out because I agree with her). If you have never had sex and you think that this guy may be “the one”, then take your time. I mean REALLY take your time. Find out if he’s looking for a relationship or a few rolls in the hay. Your first time should be with someone you trust and care about – is he honest and trustworthy? If you decide that he really is “the one,” then you should know him well enough, and trust him enough, to be honest with him about your inexperience. Chances are he’ll appreciate your honesty (and also be quite turned on by it ;).

If you’ve been with one other (or very few other) men, then I hope your first experience was a good one. It can be traumatic if it weren’t. Just keep in mind that the above advice is still valid, but you just might want to step up the pace a bit. Get to know him….yes, but you can bring up the “experience” conversation quicker and then cut to the chase….or in your case, the bed.

Mariann:
OMG. Sharon agreed with me. Christmas miracles do happen!

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Responses

  1. About emailing: I have found that when I’m hesitating, I’m hesitating for a reason. I know this because sometimes I am ready to meet a guy after emailing once or not even. Other times I just need to email and email… It drags on.

    This happens because of one of two reasons. The first is that I have a feeling that it’s not a good match, like something is off between us that might not work. THe other reason is that there is something making me uncomfortable about the person – like I’m not sure they are normal or I can trust them, even though to meet them once.

    So I’d say, ask her if there is anything specific she would like to discuss in order to make her feel comfortable enough to meet. Or just ask her if she feels comfortable telling you what it is that is making her hesitate.

    But I also agree that if another few emails go by and she still isn’t willing to meet, tell her that it’s been great, yadda yadda, but you can’t continue just emailing and so “good luck and goodbye.”

    And good luck to you!

    • Good points Deena! Everyone has their email comfort level…and their reasons for delaying meeting.


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