Red Flags…If you’ve dated online at all, you’re well aware of these warning signs. There are lots of sites out there that give great information on what to look out for when you’re surfing for love. Your Tango has a great little video about this. Romance Stuck, has an interesting list, and of course The Huffington Post weighs in on Red Flags too.
So, I started thinking (yes, I know a BLONDE thinking…it’s EPIC). Veteran online daters must not only know about the tried and true warning signs listed on the fine sites mentioned above, but surely have their own lists of red flags. Between myself and friends who date online, I’ve certainly got some to add….
1. On the first date he mentions that he loves…just LOVES to give foot massages. Then asks (while noisily licking his lips) you to take off a shoe so he can see your foot…and maybe just touch it.
— And you thought that you were going to be dating a masseuse…seriously SOME services you really should pay a professional for!
2. His only profile photo is a picture of an icicle, a dog, or some inanimate object.
— Either A. He’s married or B. The picture of that “dog”? That’s his headshot, he’s actually a Golden Retriever. Not a bad catch if you’re looking for a date who’s sweet, loyal and will retrieve ducks for you.
3. The “roommate” that he lives with is his mother, he’s over 40, and…he’s never been married.
— And if he’s also the proprietor of The Bates Motel and offers to let you shower there….RUN!!
4. Her first email to you contains a long list of things you should never say or do in front of her.
— I will add one more thing you should not, under any circumstances, do: date this woman.
5. That woman you met…and took out on three dates….just NOW mentioned that she might still be a “bit married”.
— This is the girl who, when she got knocked up in High School, told everyone she was just a “bit pregnant”…and when her husband finds out about you, you will only be a “bit murdered”.
6. He keeps mentioning that his ex-spouse and ALL his ex-girlfriends were “crazy” and that’s why he broke up with them.
and YOU are about two dates away from being considered “crazy” too. So, have some fun before you dump him…at dinner stick mashed potatoes up your nose and insist that it keeps the aliens from sucking out your brains.
7. She shows up for the casual coffee shop date dressed in a tight spandex micro-mini, five inch spiked red heels, and wearing glittery eye shadow — then proceeds to show you pictures of her four kids.
— When she said in her profile that she was a “Working Mother”…she meant it. Maybe she’s a masseuse! (see number 1)
8. As you get to know him (or her) better you start to discover that almost all the things in this person’s profile were lies.
— Fudging a bit on your age online is one thing, but writing your profile as creative fiction is just that side of psychotic….and really creepy too. Also, disappointing – because you totally wanted to date a renowned brain surgeon who’s also an international spy and celebrity chef, and…well…turns out he’s really a postal worker.
9. Your online match emails and texts you every day but can never seem to find the time to meet you face to face.
— Possibly he or she is just incredibly shy…or so bowled over by your magnificence that they’re hesitant to meet you and find they don’t measure up….or they’re just very busy and can’t find the time to meet….or…NO…WAIT…are you SERIOUS?? …..None of the above, they’re MARRIED!!!!!!
10. As you exchange emails and phone calls with your potential soul-mate you realize that all this person can talk about is: Problems – Problems that they’re having with ex-spouses, family members, their children, employers, friends, hairdressers, taxi-drivers….. No one understands them, but they’re in therapy for this, so it’s OK.
— Most of us who are over the age of twelve have some issues and baggage but this one has full set of Gucci luggage stuffed with thirty years worth of back issues of “Psycho” magazine.
And your favorite Red Flags are?