Posted by: Shar & Mare | February 23, 2011

Q & A: Can your date “Man Up?”

I met this great guy on line and we had a coffee date where we talked for over 3 hours. I am gay and I hate effeminate men. I don’t mean to offend anyone but I like very male men. I was excited to finally meet someone who wasn’t “obvious.” The next night I went to a local gay bar and they had a show with a guy who came out dressed like a woman … and my eyes almost popped out of my head when I recognized him as my date from the night before. He was more effeminate than most women. I feel betrayed. Should I go out with him again?

What are you stressing out about? The fact that he was in drag or the fact that he didn’t mention to you that he performed in drag?

If it’s because he didn’t mention his drag show…back off a bit. You’ve only met and talked once. Yes, I know, 3 hours is a long time but it was still just the first time you talked. As a single gal who meets quite a few men through online dating, I can say that I never tell my entire life story at the first meeting. Not because I have something to hide but because — it’s the first time we’ve talked — and if things go well and we meet again there should still be new avenues of information to explore.

If you’re upset because he was in drag and therefore more effeminate than you’d prefer…again – back off a bit. A performers stage persona is oftentimes far, far removed from the persons real-life self. As an actress I find myself in roles that are wildly different from who I am in my day-to-day life. This is why I love performing so much….I can be and do things that I’d never do in real life.

So relax, give him a call and meet for coffee or drinks or dinner. Mention that you “caught his show”. You may find that there’s a very interesting story behind his performing, one that doesn’t really preclude his being manly enough for you in the real world.

OK, I can totally understanding you freaking out. It would be like me seeing my man play Marilyn Monroe. Got it. I think you need to cut him some slack. If this is a gig for him … it could be all “acting” for him. How he is on stage will be different than how he is in real life.

Maybe he feels like this is something he discloses once he gets a little closer to his dates. I would go out a few times with him and see how he is day to day. Then, mention you might visit the bar on the night where he entertains … and see if he comes clean and tells you.

Take a step back and see if you like him enough to even continue seeing him and don’t worry unnecessarily. Let us know how it goes. Good Luck.



  1. I agree with the ladies about trying to calm down and see if this really affects who he is in “real” life, etc.

    The only thing I very very strongly disagree with is what Mariann said:

    “Then, mention you might visit the bar on the night where he entertains … and see if he comes clean and tells you.”

    So unfair to put someone on the spot like that, forcing him to try to figure out what’s going on in your head – testing him in a back-handed way.

    What you actually must do (IMHO) is tell him that you saw him. How could you not?! Imagine someone saw you doing something and didn’t mention it. Someone with whom you’re trying to build a good relationship? I’d actually be very turned off if weeks (or days) after someone saw me doing something substantial (like performing), they finally got around to mentioning it or, worse, never mentioned it at all until it came out somehow.

    That is not honest or straightforward and no way to build a relationship.

    During this conversation, if it seems appropriate, you could even mention the discrepancy you saw and how this might be an issue for you. That might be a little much for this stage but I’d consider it (because I’m so straight-forward with my dates… or at least I try to be).

    Good luck!

  2. Thanks for weighing in on this Deena. As always your comments are well-said!

    • 🙂 Thanks. And nice to meet you on Twitter.

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sharon & Mariann, Sharon & Mariann. Sharon & Mariann said: Q & A: Can your date "Man Up?" […]

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