Posted by: Shar & Mare | April 7, 2011

Q & A: I Wanna Kiss A Girl To Know if I Like It

I am 31 years old, tall, fit, attractive and doing very well in my career. I have no problem meeting men socially or in a professional setting. I have had several year long relationships with men, but I keep feeling like something is missing. As my friends get married, the desire to be part of a couple and have a family gets more intense. And, yet my relationships are leaving me empty. I am starting to wonder if perhaps I am gay. I never thought about it before or even looked at a woman that way … but suddenly I am starting to notice women … everywhere! I don’t know whether I am gay … just have not met the right guy … or, am letting the stress get to me and going crazy. I don’t want to be but maybe I should consider it. Please tell me what to do.

Wow. You have a lot going on. I think that you may be well served to speak to someone professionally about this. It is not something to be glib about. Confronting one’s sexual identity can be a scary proposition when it does not follow the norm of society. First, I think you have to decide if you are sexually attracted to women. Girls can get girl crushes where they really enjoy someone and want to be around them but that does not mean they want to kiss them or have sex with them. And, maybe you are wasting your time on men who you think are right for you, but are not really giving yourself some latitude to find the right man for you.

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. And, start to write a journal and keep track of your thoughts, ideas and experiences. Maybe you are spending so much time being successful, you need to nurture and devote sometime to just you and what you want in life. It is OK to be alone … with your thoughts … and with yourself. Have you done that or do you always have to be in a relationship? If you do … then take a vacay from the serial relationships.

If you really are finding you are having strong feelings or curiosity about women, then you can easily try a gay club, gay MeetUP, or online.

Funny, we had a contributor to our LIFEBYTES book submit a story where she questioned her sexuality. She went out on a date … a girl she met on line … and discovered that she was not gay … and was in fact attracted to men … but realized she did not meet the guy for her just yet.

So, give yourself time and don’t pressure yourself. And, please, speak to someone professionally as you need to explore this further. Good Luck.

So, once again I’m reading between the lines of a question. You sound as if, first and foremost, you’re frustrated by the straight dating scene. Perfectly normal…we all have to slog through the feelings of “there are no princes left…I think the frogs killed them all!” And you say that you’re noticing women everywhere? Let me ask you this…since you say you’ve never really had sexual feelings about women: How many close girlfriends do you have? I wonder this because for myself (and many of our LifeBytes contributors) my girlfriends are the ones I turn to in times of total frustration. Even when I’m in a serious relationship, no one understands like the GFs. We’re each others sounding boards, crying shoulders and cheering sections. One does not become gay on a whim or overnight, so my guess would be that you are probably straight…curious maybe, but straight.

If you are truly not sure then, as Mariann suggested, a few professional counseling sessions would be good route to follow. Should you date a girl to find out if you’re gay? Maybe, but I’d try the counseling first. I’d be hesitant to tell you to put yourself immediately out into the gay dating field. Remember, the women you’ll meet know they are gay and probably don’t want to find themselves attracted to someone who see’s them as a “science project”.

And if, after all, you do find that you are straight – get your girlfriends together for a Girls Night Out, vent, have fun and keep looking for Mr. Right….he’s out there somewhere.


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