Posted by: Shar & Mare | May 16, 2011

Rerun: The World’s Biggest Candy Store

This is a post I originally ran about two years ago. The email exchange still cracks me up…..and YES, this is the actual email convo that I had.

With so many singles dating online it’s hard to not be picky, and it’s so easy to carry that to an extreme. If this person is good the next will be sooo much more perfect!! Here you are, you’ve found the girl who likes the same movies that you do, enjoys philosophical conversations and has the looks and bod that you’ve been dreaming about since you were 13 and realized that there’s more to life than playing street hockey. Excitedly, you read her profile further. NO, it can’t be! She’s a New England Patriot’s fan. How can you, a die-hard Giants fan even consider meeting such a tasteless chick… you can’t. And so you move on to the next profile without a thought to the possibility that you’ve maybe just cyber-dissed the mother of your future children.

Those of you who’ve never dated online are reading this and shaking your heads, “no, she’s exaggerating, that can’t be true”, and all you online daters are saying “Yup, uh huh, you’re right on the money.” It’s like that old Seinfeld episode where Elaine breaks up with a man because she doesn’t like the way he eats peas. I sometimes wish that Seinfeld were still airing, I’d love to see that gang dealing with online dating.

Oh wait, we don’t need Seinfeld, the real world of online dating is so much more fun than watching sitcom reruns. Sometimes you don’t even need to meet the person to know that they’re channeling Jerry or Elaine. Here’s an email experience that I had a while back. Anything similar happen to you?

Subject: alert: NewAgeAdonis has winked at you!

NewAgeAdonis just winked at you! Out of millions of members, he picked you! Flirt back right away with a wink, or better yet, an intriguing email.

For the uninitiated, a “Wink” is a quick way to let someone know that you’ve seen their profile. This spares the “winker” the annoyance of having to actually string some English words together into a coherent sentence. Normally I would have deleted a mere wink, but NewAgeAdonis’s profile looked interesting. So I forged on:

Subject: Thanks for the Wink!

Hi NewAgeAdonis,
Can I just call you “New”…? LOL. I took a look at your profile and I see that we have a few things in common. Like you I also enjoy creative pursuits and outdoor activities. What is your fav thing to do outdoors? Do you enjoy theater, museums, etc? So hard to know what to write after just a “wink”. Please write and let me know what intrigued you about my profile. Maybe I can answer some of your burning questions.

Subject: Hi

Just now had a chance to look at your profile. You seem to have a nice picture of yourself posted. Is it current?

Subject: You Just NOW looked at my profile?

Didn’t you look at my profile when you winked at me? OK New, are you one of those guys who sends out huge numbers of winks to see if one sticks? Have I been the victim of a “Drive By Winking”…:)?

Subject: RE: Hi

Sorry, I’m a very busy person and don’t really have time to read through profiles. Nor do I have time for many emails. I would prefer to meet in person but, before we do you should be aware of some very important ground rules that I have.

First, I am an Ovo-Lacto vegetarian. I feel very strongly that eating meat is detrimental to human health and to the survival of the planet. Also, I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell and would insist that you not use perfume, skin creams or any type of scented shampoos before our meeting.

Subject: So Many Rules, So Little Time!!!!!!!

Nut, I mean New. It’s so nice that you are a vegetarian; everyone should have a little hobby to pursue. Do you mind that I’m a Carnivore? It’s OK if we meet at a vegetarian restaurant; I will just bring a slab of raw buffalo meat for myself. Please don’t worry about perfumes or other scented products. I don’t use any of these. In fact, I am a Non-Lavar proponent; I do not bathe … EVER. I believe that water, soap, other cleansers and perfumes are detrimental to the planet and to humans.

I never again heard from NewAgeAdonis…go figure…LOL. Sometimes a little sarcasm is just the most therapeutic way of dealing with dating frustration.




  1. If I wasn’t married and, y’know, straight… I’d marry you myself just for that response.

  2. Muaahahahaha….If I wasn’t, y’know, straight…I’d accept that proposal.

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