I came across a great article this week: 10 Words That Describe What Love Is To Me on TopDatingSites.com. The article offers up words such as Trust, Honesty, Compassion, Commitment, Kindness,…important and necessary qualities in any relationship of substance. All we need to do is look at what the lack of any of these words can do to a relationship.
Remember that so-called love who cheated on you? Trust flew out the window and so probably did the love. The time when you needed a compassionate shoulder to lean on and your “significant other” was too preoccupied to notice your pain? Told you a lot about that person, right? And passion…even though it may wax and wane over the course of a lifetime, we still can’t have love without it. You just can’t have a real relationship without all of that plus Tolerance, Forgiveness, Respect and Commitment.
This then got me thinking about what I’d consider the “nice to haves”, as one dating site puts it in their online questionnaire. Not necessarily crucial, but the icing on the cake of love. Mine would be:
Friendship: I’ve mentioned this to men, both those I’ve dated and those who are really just friends…and most of them cringe at the dreaded “friend” word. But think about it. Your past loves are, for the most part, gone from your life. Your friends…well…they are the ones who you can still talk to into the wee hours, the ones who know you (and you them) far better than any lover ever has. Friends are the ones who, even though years may go by, will still be ready to pick up the conversation when you do run into one another. Wouldn’t it be amazing to have your love also be your friend?
Same sense-of-humor: Most of us have one. The key is to have humor-chemistry. You understand each others corny (or wry, or witty, or zany, or esoteric….) jokes. I dated someone once who just didn’t get my slightly off-kilter humor. Whenever I said something that would have made my circle of family and friends bend over laughing, he would discourse seriously and at length about the subject I was skewering. He didn’t last more than two dates and three jokes.
Values: You need to have the same values, or at the very least understand and accept one another’s value system. I place a very high value on education, and it doesn’t have to be a top-level university education – you need to learn something, a trade, a skill, a passion…get trained and educated in this. This is vital to me. So of course at one point in my life I found myself in a relationship with someone to whom education, any education, was complete waste of time and effort….what can I say, he was pretty hot despite this. Hotness wears off, attitudes don’t. I ended it when I finally got tired of him knocking me and my friends for going to college.
Must have words, nice-to-have words. Have I touched on all of your’s here? Do you have any to add to this list?