Posted by: Shar & Mare | October 17, 2011

WANT A CHILD? Make Sure to Check their Profile!


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And now, without further ado…Mariann’s post for this week!

I want a child. I am not married and was not therefore blessed with being a parent. I have contemplated adopting or having my own, but I don’t want to intentionally bring a child into a 1 parent household. Also, I travel so much, it would be near impossible to have and raise a child alone.

But, if I got married, I would love to have a child of my own and would welcome getting pregnant or using a surrogate.

I was recently in a relationship where on my profile I put that I “definitely wanted to have kids” and he said “Do not want to have more but OK if my partner does.” I guess I missed that critical piece of information.

We were well into our relationship when he seemed surprised that I wanted children. He said he did not and referred to his profile … It felt like a “but, I told you so” kind of chastisement. So, I rebutted that my profile said I definitely DO want children. So, this is not a one sided oversight of each not seeing something in a profile.

I said that I need to have someone who would be open to having a child if I got pregnant or would consider a surrogate. He came back and asked me questions but did not say he was sticking to his guns on this issue. In fact, one week later at a family event, the subject of children came up and he said to me, “I am great with children, especially infants.” I said, “I am great with kids, especially once they become of shopping age.” I thought this was his way of saying to me that he was OK with it.

People who are parents and have the blessing of a child have forgotten, I think, what it is like to not have a child. And I would think that if someone loves you very much and their mate does NOT have a child, that they would want to give you that and understand it is something you need and want and therefore would be on board. And, when they don’t want to, it makes me wonder the depth of their love and how self-sacrificing they truly are. I think true and deep love is self-sacrificing … you want to put your mate’s need ahead of your own. Now, if this is a constant and it is not reciprocated, then this is a whole different problem.

When I expressed that I would want children, my boyfriend brought up my age and questioned how wise it was. That was sort of insulting. I don’t need to be reminded of how old I am. None of us know when we are going to leave this earth. But, if I can have a positive impact on a child and set out into this world a child with a strong sense of values, self, respect of others and understanding that life is bigger and more important than just them and they need to be a good person who help others, I think the world can only be made better by such a child. I have a classmate from High School who died in her 40s and had 5 kids. I have a cousin who had a child at 53 and she lived well into her 90s. So, operating from a place of doom or fear of “what could happen” only stifles us and is a roadblock.

But, I was experiencing some “issues” with my last boyfriend. And he said one of his big issues was that I wanted to have children and he did not. I do not know what life has in store for me. But, I want to be with and need someone who is open to children. If it happens, then they will be happy and welcoming of this bundle of joy. And, if not, then it is OK with them too.

Some friends and family told me that the likelihood of me having a child was unlikely and asked if I want to risk a relationship for something that may never be. Yes, that is a practical view and good question. But, if the person is not going to be at least accepting of this possibility then they are not thinking of my happiness, may not in the future and is not self – sacrificing … and that is not the kind of love or relationship I am looking for.

So, a caution to those men and women dating who want to have a child … before you go too far down the relationship path, make sure you know if the person wants to have children. If they don’t and you do, then move on. If they say that they are so lucky to have met you and if this is a life experience you would like to have and is so important to you then they would gladly be on board … hang on to him! And, if you do break up with him, please give him my telephone number. LOL.

So, now when I look at a profile, I pay particular attention to this part of their profile.

Have you had a similar experience?

Mariann

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Responses

  1. Also, those who don’t want kids need to be honest about it. I know a couple that got divorced after 10 years because one finally came clean that kids weren’t on the horizon and the other is still hoping to have them.

    I personally don’t want kids and have known that for nearly 20 years. People have asked me why I didn’t hide that early on in relationships, in case guys would be put off by it. Well, if a guy wanted kids, he *should* be put off by it. It’s a huge issue. An important one. And neither side is wrong, just different.

    • Well said Larissa (and Jonathan too). I’m a great believer in being ultra-honest in dating, especially early on. Why would you want to go through the time and effort of developing a relationship with someone when there would be an obvious barrier looming on the horizon?

  2. Kids are such a big pull, it seemed only 20 years ago that 1 + 1 = a child. That’s not the case anymore. Honesty is the best policy

    See Our Latest Blog Entry Online Dating for Singles

  3. […] he said he “probably did not” want more children. Now, I don’t know if I will have kids, but I need someone to be open to the option of kids whether thru birth, adoption, surrogacy … whatever method … but be open to the […]


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