Posted by: Shar & Mare | October 24, 2011

Being UNFRIENDED does hurt!


I am not a big Facebook groupie. I am on it because some of my friends are and for LifeBytes. Perhaps I spend about 12 minutes a week on Facebook. So, I do NOT live and die by Facebook.

I have never been “UNfriended” … until now. Ouch it hurts. OK, it was the person I dated and just broke up with … but it still hurts. It is a defining act against another person that says “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” OK, so admittedly, I did that in essence with the person when I broke up with him and I know that hurt him. So, perhaps this was his one last way to tell me to go to hell without actually saying it.

I have never been a fan of the “friending” the person you are dating on Facebook. Because statistics show that more than likely you will break up and then you have to go through the UNFRIENDING process. It’s just awkward. Perhaps Miss Manners should write a new “manner” on how to UNfriend on FB with a friend or ex boy/girl-friend.

So, I vote for NOT friending the person you are dating on Facebook. Only bad things can come of it. For example … status updates and posts. They know and see and can read every little thing you write. I really hate that.

And, then there becomes the issue of if you are mentioning them in posts or commenting on their wall and if you are not they can take it personally … yes, this does happen … personal experience … trust me!
Even though I knew it was coming and I was going to UNFRIEND this person as well, it still stings.

Of course, being a slightly competitive person, I would have liked to have done it first. But seeing as I was the one who ended the relationship, I gave into the fact that he might need this process to act out … in a somewhat civilized way … and use it towards getting closure.

So, letting him UNfriend me was my one last gift and act of kindness in this relationship. When I look at it this way … it takes the hurt and sting out of being UNfriended. Am I nice, or what?

Have you ever UNFRIENDED or been UNFRIENDED? How did it make you feel? Please share!

Mariann

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Responses

  1. A few months back, I unblocked a guy I had briefly “dated” last winter. He had sent me this detailed apology for why he had handled things the way he did, blaming his recent break up that occurred before he and I got together. (He was a guy I had met several years earlier online, we had had a casual thing here and there over the years, nothing more.) He had told me, in the conversation that ensued after he apologized, that he had started dating someone new and how she was just omigod super perfect for him. I wished him well and then, a few weeks later, unblocked him, only to see that his new profile photo was of him kissing his new girlfriend while on vacation. It kind of surprised me to see that photo given that he had just left his girlfriend about 6 months earlier. If I saw it, his ex had to see it. And that had to hurt. So that, among other craziness on Facebook, inspired me to write apiece on social media and break ups and how social media makes it harder to move on. One of the things I cited as to how Facebook made splits more difficult was seeing your Ex with new photos of themselves with their new partner and seeing how quickly they moved on. (I never mentioned him.)

    About a week later, I went back and looked at his Facebook page. He had blocked me. Our last conversation went well and we hadn’t spoken since. So i couldn’t understand why he would block me. So i emailed him and asked why. He said that he had read the article I wrote and “felt it was best for all involved” if I didn’t see his profile photo, as it was of him and his new GF and he knew my opinion of people who did that. We had never even been friends on FB. (I don’t friend guys that I date. I maintain no social media connections with men I’m involved with, nor do I post photos.)

    I wasn’t hurt that he blocked me. I was more annoyed that this guy who had blown me off pretty harshly and told me he never read my column was reading my blog so closely that he had read the post and blocked me with a couple days after it went up. It just felt creepy and invasive. (But not nearly as odd as him showing up at a bar where we were having an event one night “by accident.” I promote our events through FB and Twitter. I thought nothing of it at the time, but wondered after the whole blocking drama if he had been keeping tabs for far longer than I realized. )

    I rarely defriend people, and I only block someone if they spam me. I find most blocking and unfriending to be passive aggressive attempts at getting attention. It’s a way of letting that person know you hurt their feelings without actually telling them to their face. They want that person to suffer from that momentary feeling of hurt or confusion, and probably want them to reach out somehow and show concern.

    • Wow, what a great story, AND a great illustration of the pitfalls of social networking. Mariann isn’t a fan of Facebook, but I am. I find that it’s a great way to reconnect with college and high school friends as well as keep in touch with distant family. HOWEVER ….I do try to be very, very careful of how much information I post and on which social site. Like you I’ve found that it can be dicey when you’re dealing with ex’s and folks you don’t necessarily want to be keeping tabs on you. Facebook, Twitter and other social sites are, when all is said and done, still in their infancy so we’re all feeling our way as to how to navigate these places, keep in touch with friends and family, get our business and marketing messages out effectively and yet still keep our basic privacy intact. There’s just no “Miss Manners” type of manual for social networking do’s and don’ts….we’re making these rules up for ourselves as we go along!
      Sharon

  2. Well, come to find out (thanks Facebook!) his new girlfriend was all of 19 or 20 years old. If I were him, I’d be embarrassed of people knowing that too.

  3. […] because I think he is cute. But, I think better of that. They might just think that is weird and UNFriend me. So, what is a person to […]

  4. Guess what? I was both: the person who clicked the unfriend button AND the person who got unfriended, and find both experiences to be, well, quite liberating.

    First of, I ‘unfriended’ a man I was seeing for 6 months. He broke up with me via email and refused to give me-who then drove 60 miles to his place-a face-to-face explanation so that I could have some closure. Though thoroughly heartbroken, I left him on my FB friends list. For the next two months, he made no contact whatsoever so I thought he’s moved on. Thus, I felt the need to do some ‘house cleaning’, that is removing him from my friends list as well as several photos he was tagged on. Almost instantly, I felt a burden was lifted off my shoulder-I felt in peace and…happy.

    I also had the experience of being unfriended by one of my siblings. Yeah, it’s quite bizarre, but folks, this thing does happen. My older sibling emailed me via FB saying that my comment on a photo posted on his wife’s FB wall was inappropriate, thus proceeded with what he saw fit: booted me of his friends list. The initial reaction was that of shock because I thought there’s nothing inappropriate in my comment. However, knowing him to have been a bully in my family anyway, I did not give his decision a second thought. I said, well, so be it! Strangely enough almost immediately after reading his email, I felt so liberated, peaceful and happy.

  5. This is an excellent article. My response is going to be long because I need somewhere to vent so I can put it behind me. While I use Facebook regularly, I have noticed it tends to bring out the worst in people. It often provides an easy way for people to judge or reject others behind a computer screen. Like you I am a writer and have my own blog page which I post links to on Facebook upon publishing. I write regarding anti-theistic themes and share details of my past involvement in religion and how I overcame it. A few months ago I found on Facebook a guy I had hung out for one night with at a live band venue over a year ago. We had made a connection and both clearly liked each other, and had mutual friends. Realizing I couldn’t completely forget about him, I decided to look for him again. He had previously been on my friends’ list but at the time I was very confused because he was too young for me then (seriously) and I felt like I shouldn’t like him. (I’m a lot older than him so I think my doubt and mixed feelings were understandable.) After that I briefly dated someone else my age and knew I still liked him so I took him off my list in the midst of my confusion…but never fully forgot him.

    A few months ago I sent him a short cheery message stating who I was and explained I hoped he remembered me. It took him a month to accept my friend request. I didn’t know quite what to think but, seeing that he was in a band of his own now, I decided to go see him play at an outdoor concert.

    When I walked to my seat, through the corner of my eye, I saw him starting at me the whole time. Once I sat down he wouldn’t make eye contact with me and was deliberately looking off in the other direction the whole time he was playing. (He is very shy.) After the concert I went up to talk to him. He was very nervous talking to me and whenever we made eye contact he would often look down at the ground before attempting to look me in the eyes again and even my sister said later how awkward he seemed talking to me. He even sat down while we were standing there talking. I could tell he was nervous to be around me.

    I had heard mixed things that our mutual friend had thought he had a girlfriend but, when I found out more from her, she said it was over eight months ago she saw him with someone. Realizing it might not even be true, I decided to muster courage to look at his Facebook profile and write him. I had been doing neither in the two months we had been friends again. So I wrote him a note in his inbox that unfortunately took me a few tries to make my point of telling him I liked him before, why I split, that I still like him, and that I wanted to know if he would go out with me and left my phone number. I told him I was nervous asking him out and asked if he could text my phone. I don’t say what I need to easily when it comes to men I truly like so I rambled a bit but at least I got it out, right?

    I knew he wasn’t a big Facebook person and he rarely posted anything at all. But I also knew that he had read my messages because the inbox said that he did. Knowing he was more on the shy side I felt it was understandable that he didn’t write back yet after a week since I probably surprised him and shocked him with what I wrote. Even our mutual friend told me he is “very sensitive”. I am on Facebook quite a bit and comment regularly on people’s posts. I commented on his as well regarding music posts and other things he occasionally quick-shared. I might have been way off base but everything I read online said if a guy is shy you have to make him feel more comfortable around you so that’s all I was trying to do.

    I went to see him play one more time later the next week and noticed he was staring at me a LOT and even locking eyes with me for more than a few seconds when he played. I was sitting in the back of the venue with others and noticed that whenever I did anything he turned his head to stare at me. Once he stared at me for longer than five seconds. I smiled at him. However, a few days later I did a little test. I’m more of a bold person who is outgoing and I don’t understand guys who are shy (trust me) so I read articles that said if you tell a shy guy you like him it’s customary for him to be more nervous around you and avoid you. My natural instinct is to remain a wallflower and sit in the background hoping a guy will just realize I like him without me having to do anything. But everything I read online says you can’t do this with a shy guy. It said you have to give clear signs of your interest because, due to their nature, they will never take the initiative without it. So that’s what I had been doing.

    I needed to know what was really going on so I did a test. The next week I commented under a picture on his page regarding a comment he made and formed my comment in a question to ask him something about what he said. This was not a closed-ended statement so I wanted to see if he’d respond to me. The next morning I logged on to Facebook and saw he had blocked me. There was my answer.

    I wondered if he had judged me based on things I posted on Facebook. I also wonder if reading my blog (which he might have done) was too much for him. Or maybe he finally realized my age and didn’t want to be with me. Regardless, I read online that guys take this route of blocking when they’re immature and don’t want to deal with it. Yeah, it hurts. But at least I can move on now.

    • Hi Jacqueline,
      That’s quite a story and I can understand your hurt and confusion. Why someone unfriends or rejects us can be a mystery, especially if it’s someone who’s very shy or awkward. Chances are you’ll never know why so it’s good that you’re moving on from this. I always feel that the people who are worth having in our lives will be there for us – and we for them – no matter what.

      Also, a note: this particular blog is no longer active. Please come and chat with us on our NEW site at http://www.lifebytesbook.com

      Sharon


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