Posted by: Shar & Mare | August 23, 2012

Committment Phobic OR Needs to be Committed?

How hard is it to ask for a date? Apparently, it is quite difficult.

Many years ago, I went on line to search for love. Guys actually wrote emails, asked questions, wanted to talk and then asked you out.

Correct me if I am wrong or you have a different experience, BUT, recently, guys seem to be putting NO effort into making a date or pursuing the woman.

For the past year, I have reached out to profiles that interest me. I get one sentence responses where the person does not carry along the communication. They don’t ask about me. They don’t share about themselves. They don’t seem to want to talk. They put no effort in trying to meet up. I want to scream, “Then why are you on this site if you are putting no effort into meeting someone.”

It is frustrating and I want to pull out my hair. But, that would present another whole level of complications and problems in meeting someone. I don’t think I can pull off the bald look like Sinead O’Connor can.

Most recently, someone wrote back. They told me they were working a lot and that is what caused the delay in getting back to me. And???? Well, that was it. I wrote back to see if I could keep it going. I asked some questions — a novel idea apparently with some people.

He would answer but like so many people did not inquire about the person he was communicating with >>> ME.

Now this person lives about 45-60 minutes north of me near a winery. We both established in our emails and profiles that we like wineries. One day last week, I got an email from him that said, “If you find yourself at the winery, let me know and we can meet and have a glass of wine.” I was disappointed by the lack of effort to set up a date, give it a time frame and make it happen. It was too open ended for me.

I wrote back and said, “Well, if you ever find yourself at the Mall in Paramus, NJ, give me a call and perhaps we can meet for a coffee or drink.” I mirrored exactly the lame email he sent me. A real man would say, “Let’s meet for a drink. There is a place about 15 minutes from you and is next Thursday OK?” And, if that worked out, then perhaps do a few wineries on a 2nd or 3rd date. But, alas, I am finding that there are fewer real men out there.

I don’t mean to sound like I am bashing on men, but as a female who is looking for a great guy — this is my experience and perspective.

Are these men commitment phobic? If yes, then why try to date? Or, are they so dysfunctional, they really just need to be committed to a facility for the dating impaired?

What are your experiences recently with men taking the initiative and committing to having a first date?

Please share. Mariann

Check out our latest post on Singles Warehouse too, “What Not To Wear On A First Date.”



  1. i think it’s an epidemic of laziness that has swept over the male population. guys used to approach ladies in social settings, now they just gawk from afar. they want the girl to do all the work.

    now it looks like this practice carried over to online dating… waiting for the girl to come to them and do all the work while they say yay or nay…

    laziness and fear of rejection

    i say call them out on it (in a jokey way)… maybe they don’t realize they’ve turned into drones.

    keep us posted!

  2. I 100% agree with this article and howtoonlinedate’s response. I have been on/off online for the past few years and I’ve never been so dissappointed! I have met a few nice guys that developed into short term relationships but I swear It was a full time job of endless emails/texts just to get to a date! The most dissappointment is when I initiate communication! I swear that is the kiss of death for some odd reason. The few good guys I did meet were the ones that contacted me first so I’m sticking to that. If I have to initiate first then that just sets the lazy bar for them. Good luck to all!

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