Profiles in Craziness

I read so many online dating profiles that they all sometimes seem to blur together into one gigantic Cosmic Consciousness of dating. I’m amazed that we’re all single since each and everyone of us is “sincere, loving, smart and successful”, and we all enjoy “holding hands, long walks and cudding”. So I always perk up like a bloodhound when someone says something unique.

Of course unique is not always a positive thing. Sometimes it is… but sometimes not. In the interest of keeping my sanity and sense of humor intact on this journey, I’ve taken to writing some of these gems down. At the very least I will be able to be very, VERY entertaining when the cocktail party conversation turns to online dating.

That said, here are a few of my latest favorites with grammar faux-pas and misspellings included, along with my snarky italics:

1. This is from a man in his 50’s: “hobbies are many going to scifi, comic book conventions going to movies action scary comedies”
— That’s why you’re single honey.

2. “I have a handshake that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger tremble.”
— And if Maria Shriver ever decides to try online dating, I’m sure she’d find this an appealing trait. The rest of us?…Meh.

3. “i am a STOCKBROKER on WALL ST.
i am a big sports fan!
i like the yankees in baseball!
i like the giants in football!
i like the rangers in hockey!”
— I think I just figured out why the Market keeps tanking!

4. “Describe myself? Describe a river. …Some dangerous fish of the large and dark variety. A few schools of guppies. Infrequently, shell fish with pearls inside. Sometimes I circle a quite farm, other times a major city. The water is usually cold, but sometime produces hot”
— All this running water just makes me want to pee.

5. “Please have only normal baggage”
— I have a Samsonite navy blue wheelie bag. Is that OK?

6. “mysterious, enigmatic, phlegmatic, proactive, perspicacious, duly diligent, forensically consistent, consistently peripatetic, wordy, obscure, questioning, asymmetrical, egalitarian”
— But the real question is: are you Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious??

7. “I am a very ambishous fun to have and a freak in the bed”
— OK, so I’m picturing waking up to a two-headed man who’s tattooed from head(s) to toe and can thread a needle through his eyeball without screaming or bleeding.

8. “i can your friend and you can treat me like your maid. i am really interested in elder women and am crazy about them”
— COUGARS…ALL POINTS BULLETIN: Free dinner AND you get your bathroom cleaned!

9. “i hope i find my half orange and some day may be forever”
— Half orange????? I think of myself as a whole, juicy kumquat. I’m guessing that this may be a deal-breaker.

10. “I believe that lee harvey oswald did not act alone”
— Oliver? Oliver STONE?? I had no idea you were dating online.