Dinner. Check. Movies. Check. Hike. Check. Wine Bar. Check. Movie. Check again!

Planning a date is hard. It takes work, time, interest, creativity and some logistical capability. It is always good to step outside the box of boring and embark on a date that is different and fun and memorable.
I don’t want to hear any excuses. Yes, you can do it. Just try. Relax. Take a deep breath and let your mind wander. It will stumble on some bad ideas, but am sure a few good thoughts will lead to some praise worthy dates. Think about what you think your love would like and plan accordingly.

1. Sailing Lesson – head out for the seven seas and try your hand maneuvering a boat amidst the waves and wind.

2. Cooking Class – Who doesn’t love food? Take a cooking lesson together at a culinary institute and find the real way to your mate’s heart.

3. Painting Lesson in the Park – OK, so you may not be Van Gogh, but you can find your inner artist and let it free. Set up an easal and take an art/paint lesson together in the park.

4. Day at the Winery – Get a little tipsy as you sample some liquid grapes. Order a cheese and fruit platter, buy a bottle of wine and sit at one of the tables over looking the vineyard and have a mind blowing conversation. Hire a driver if you can, or make sure only one person is getting tipsy!

5. Plan a Picnic – Commune with mother nature and bask in the glow of your love below the swaying trees and near the babbling brook. Pack a tasty lunch, some bubbly, bring a big blanket and unwind. If there is a lake or pond, you may want to try a (skinny) dip.

6. Throw a gathering – Get your friends together and have a party. Find a cute pub that has a party room, order in a solo singer, serve up some appetizers and let the mingling and laughter begin.

7. Hot Air Ballooning – Up Up and Away … embrace your daredevil or overcome your fear of heights, as your love reaches a new elevation.

8. Dance Lesson – Say YES to some dirty dancing. Or, maybe even a waltz. OK so you won’t be on Dancing with the Stars, but you can have some fun trying to see what it would be like.

9. Night of Mystery & Murder – No, don’t worry — no one really dies. Or do they? Be scared and let your amour protect you while you partake in a night of mystery & murder. There are plenty of venues that offer Murder Mystery evenings/dinner. Take your date — but watch out for the Maitre’D.

10. Volunteer at a Homeless Shelter – I know. You probably think I got my top ten lists mixed up. I didn’t. The world does exist outside our own universe. Show you care and give back by volunteering at a shelter and help cook and serve up food. You will have fun, bond and isn’t life about helping others? So, why not do it together?!

Mariann

I end my ice-breaker emails to potential dates like this: “If you are interested then please write back and we can talk…maybe meet. If not, then I wish you the best in your search.” I do this to let the recipient know that it’s OK to NOT write if you’re not interested. I know many will disagree, saying that it’s only polite to answer each and every email with a “yes, I’m interested” or “thanks, but no thanks”. Even sites like Match.com recommend answering all your emails. I respectfully disagree. If you are interested – write back, if not – move on, and I’ve become more and more adamant about this over time. You see, I’ve had more than my share of ridiculous responses to emails and I’m at the point where I find them borderline insulting.

I recently emailed and then spoke with an online match. The emails went well but it was obvious during the phone call that we were most likely not a good match. I got an email from him the next day saying that he was so sorry that he would not be able to meet me, but he was going to be very, very busy at his job and would be traveling most of the time and so was putting his membership on hold. …He is still on the site EVERY DAY.

I emailed someone who emailed back saying that he met someone and she seems very special and he was going to date her exclusively, but thank you so much for the email and if it doesn’t work out he will surely get in touch with me…He is still on the site EVERY DAY.

I occasionally get the canned sentence supplied by the dating site. The verbiage varies from site to site but basically says the same thing: “I’ve just met someone and want to see where it goes.” They are all (you guessed it)  still on the site EVERY DAY.

And yes, I did once get the proverbial Junior High School comment “It’s not you, it’s me.” It took all of my self control (between gales of laughter) to not write back with “Well, yes it IS you..and I better not catch you making out with Mary Jones behind the bleachers at the Pep Rally this weekend!!”

I know I’m blonde, but I’m really not stupid, nor am I blind (well, at least when I have my contacts in…LOL) I can SEE that you’re still dating online. So here it is: If you feel uncomfortable saying or writing a rejection then just say nothing. If I don’t hear from you in one or two days I WILL FIGURE OUT that you are not interested. It saves me the annoyance of having to waste my time reading your lame excuses. IT’S OK. We are big boys and girls …just move on.

Sharon

Everyone deserves to feel special. Appreciated. Loved. A relationship remains in balance when people express this in some way … whether it is a card, a grand gesture or a simple surprise.

I think it is very important in not only friendships, but in dating relationships to make sure you let the person you are with know how special they are to you. We all get caught up in the mundane responsibilities of life. It is very easy to become complacent and plod along without fanfare. But, I have discovered that life needs fanfare and needs celebrations and needs moments of surprises. It keeps life fun and interesting.

I am a work-a-holic. There, I admitted it. I have many irons in the fire and can easily become a slave to my never ending TO DO list. But, I know this. And when I see I have fallen into the abyss, I plan “something” to get me out … an escape that leads me back to the fun world of doing something different.

If we truly love someone, we want them to be happy … we want to please them … we want to make sure their needs are put ahead of our own (as long as they don’t cross any value system). And we hope our mate reciprocates.

Is your loved one stressed? Had a bad day? Worked long hours? Have a sick family member? All this drains our emotional energy. To recharge that for our mate is important. Whether that is in a tiny card left in their computer bag, a series of fun e-cards, one single real or chocolate rose when you come to go out … all are ways to let the person we are with know we are thinking of them and think they are special.

Gestures do not have to be grand or sweeping … although that is nice too. But, small little tender thoughts or actions all contribute towards solidifying that loving bond and letting your mate know that your happiness is important to them.

What do you do to make your loved one feel special?

Mariann

To me a serial dater is someone who dates and dates and dates, with no intention of ever developing a serious relationship with anyone. Your basic Peter Pan (or Petunia Pan – women can be commitment phobic too) if you will. The serial dater will most likely never move beyond the third or fourth date before needing to find someone new to share a meal, movie or a bed with. I’ve never questioned this and most of my friends, single or attached, have pretty much the same opinion.

So, I was taken aback at a conversation I recently had with a gentleman who informed me that anyone who was single or divorced for more than a few years was, in fact, a serial dater. Well no, I said, and proceeded to offer up the definition I’ve just shared with you. Well no, HE said. If you can’t find someone for a long-term relationship in a year or two, you never will and are then doomed to be a serial dater.

I didn’t agree with him then and I still don’t, but I did start to wonder about what the true definition of a serial dater is. I have been divorced for way longer than a year or two, have had many casual dates and at least three relationships that I’d categorize as serious, I mean considering-making-it-permanent-serious. So, does that make me a serial dater? Picky – maybe. Secure enough to know that I don’t Need to be married to be happy – yes. Glad those “almost” commitments didn’t pan out – hell yes, each would have been the wrong decision in the long run. Serial dater – no.

Sure, I sometimes date a lot, depending on how many guys show an interest online. Yes, I’m picky…but we all are in some way. The older we get, the more we realize what type of person didn’t work out for us in the past and are hesitant to make that mistake yet again. But that doesn’t make one a serial dater, just cautious and smart enough to know that you have to be in it to win it. You’ve got to date a lot of potential mates to find the one for you…he/she will not appear at the wave of our Fairy Godmother’s wand.

No, I think being a serial dater is more of an attitude than an experience. I think a serial dater, deep down, really doesn’t want to find someone to grow old with. A true serial dater is basically a loner who, whether they admit this to themselves or not, doesn’t want to have someone living in their space. They want to go out, have some fun, have dinner with someone, maybe have an occasional traveling companion, or a friend-with-benefits. What they don’t want is to share their life with someone…and that means the good as well as the bad. Because after all the getting to know you stuff is over with and you’ve made a promise to be there for one another…you’ve got to deal with the bad days, the boring days, the days of sickness as well as health, and that can be hard to handle..it takes work. And that is what separates the Serial Daters from the Hopeful Daters. The hopeful ones know that, even though it seems as if they’ve been looking forever, to stop looking would mean defeat and one thing that a hopeful dater is not is defeated. A hopeful dater is not afraid to roll up his or her sleeves and work at making that relationship strong and lasting.

I think that’s why so many of us hopefuls seem to take so long to find “the one”, we know just how serious we are about good relationships and we know there’s no time limit on finding the right lid for our pot. I’ve heard from so many older daters, through LifeBytes, Real Stories™,  about finding their soul mates, that I know it’s not only possible but inevitable, as long as you stay hopeful.

So no, my misguided friend, I am not a serial dater I am a hopeful dater.

Sharon

I hate the phone. I am in sales and yes, I hate the phone. Those people who are in sales will understand what I mean. I spend way too many hours with a phone connected to my ear. And some days at work I am “Conference Called to Death.”

I love to talk, but I hate talking on the phone. This is bad, I think, for a relationship because you can rely too heavily on text and email. I know I do. Words are easy for me and I prefer my expression to be in the written word rather than verbal.

But, when you connect on the phone and hear the person’s voice and can hear things in their voice that you cannot get from a text or email, I think it is better.

Some people are great on the phone and others are not. There are certain days when I can talk up a storm and other days where I am so focused or have things to do, the last thing I want to do is talk … much less on the phone.
In my last relationship, we barely spoke on the phone. We texted and emailed and saw each other in person. And that was fine, but yes, I think there is a certain bonding and connection that happens when you ensure you talk to each other.

It is a lesson learned for me. Also, I find men much prefer to talk on the phone than text or email. So, for future relationships I am going to try very hard to rely more on personal and interactive communication than the 1-Dimensional text or email.

If I didn’t like to write so much, perhaps it would force me into a more interactive method of communicating. But, I will balance out the next relationship and do a better job on the personal communication.

Mariann

Mariann and I are out of town this week on a holiday R & R trip with some great friends. So here’s an early post for next week. Executive Manager of OnTheHORN.com, Kaitlin Gosless about Dating & gift giving during the holidays…Enjoy!

Gestures count. You don’t need grand sweeping gestures to show someone you care. Small gestures can go a long way to show someone that you are thinking about them, want them to be happy, “get them,” or understand them or what they like or might be going through. The offer of making coffee for someone in the morning is an easy but tender gesture. A hug. Calling and asking how their day is going? Taking an active interest in their hobby or things they like to do. For example, I like to write stories … having someone want to read what I have written or discuss it is a big turn on. It shows they care and are interested in things that are important to me.

The little gestures show a level of consciousness and sensitivity which can only bring people closer — because it shows you are invested in this person. Whether it is a friendship or love relationship, it can warm your heart when people have the consideration and take the time.

For example, my beloved mother passed 3 years ago. I was very close to her and the anniversary date is always a tough time for me. Well, I have friends who will call me on that day to let me know that they understand this is a difficult day for me and they are thinking about me, love me and are there for me if I want to talk.

That means the world to me. It went beyond giving me a material gift … it was the gift of themselves and their comfort and their love and their remembering someone very dear to me. It was very comforting and it only strengthened the friendship.

Thoughtful is good. Remember that!
What are some thoughtful gestures friends or loved ones have done for you that have touched you?

Mariann

I don’t have children. I wish I did, but I don’t. So, there are no lifelong responsibilities and a flexibility that I bring to the relationship which can be viewed positively by many men. Although, I once responded to someone on-line and he told me he only wanted to date a person with children. I felt hurt and insulted — like I was not good enough because I did not have children.

When someone you are dating has children, it can be a relationship inhibitor and logistically challenging when you are trying to schedule dates or events. And then there is the process of being introduced to and getting to know the children. That is always awkward. You feel like you are constantly being judged and sometimes the kids can be nice and other times, distant and aloof. Ya never know what you are going to get.

The problem with this is that you can’t say anything to them as it relates to discipline. It is not my child, so I am not the teacher or the disciplinarian. And many times, I find I would take a different approach with the children than the parent I am dating. It becomes frustrating because you can’t open your mouth or you come under criticism from the child or the parent.

And what happens if you don’t like the way your mate is disciplining their kids. Do you say anything? It is a hard balance to find. Recently, I went out with someone and I was completely put off when he just yelled several times at his boy to “shut up.” I was offended. He was not teaching the boy a lesson nor was he giving him a proper example. Yelling SHUT UP is not a parenting tact. You need to tell them what they are doing wrong, why, what they need to do and why and that if they don’t, then there will be consequences. And if the child does not listen and does what he wants, then you discipline as promised. They will learn in time.

As a person who comes to a relationship without children, it is hard to have credibility since I am not a parent … people think you don’t know how to parent.
I am of an age, where most people I meet do have children. I think it is easier if they are older … say in college or out of college. But when they are young, you realize that you are in for the long haul and that they are going to be an active and daily part of your life as a couple for some time to come.

I think it is important to give this sufficient thought and know what you are getting into and that you can strike that fine balance in being a person in the children’s life but one they have to respect and honor as well.

What have been your experiences? Let us know.

Mariann

I understand why some men and women become disenchanted with online dating. It can be hard, and frustrating and a lot of work. Of course if you’re determined to find a date or a mate, you find a way to make it work.

For me it’s been a matter of breaking the process down into manageable steps. First of course, is getting the profile up and running, followed closely by sending and receiving emails and winks. That part alone can be daunting – why didn’t he respond to your email when you are SO perfect for one another? (obviously he didn’t think so). How can she be so CUTE but sound so flaky in her emails (guys…really…do I have to spell this one out for you? OK, fine..it’s NOT.EVER.ABOUT.LOOKS). Eventually though you do connnect with someone enough to plan the next big online dating challenge – The First Date.

I’m pretty sure this is THE major cause of online-dating stress. After getting through the first couple of gates, you’re ready for a spin on the open track and those of us who’ve been dating online for a while know that this is ususally the make-it or break-it point. Most will tell you that they can tell within 5 minutes whether or not there’s “chemistry” and that most online connections never go past the one date mark. Personally, I like to (if I can) give myself much longer than a few minutes to see if my date and I are compatible (2 dates is my preference) but I seem to be in the minority here. Oh, and there’s also the safety issue, more so for women than men but it’s a concern for all of us. After all you’re meeting a total stranger at this point! SO…mix all that together and you have major first date stress. So how do you manage this milestone event without losing your hair, sanity, and courage? Like this:

First, get those safety issues addressed. Make sure the place you agree to meet is in a populated area. Preferably a popular and busy place. Personally, I don’t mind sacrificing a little quiet for the comfort of knowing I’m surrounded by lots of people. Besides if you really like him/her, you’ll have to lean in a bit to hear what they’re saying…very cute and coy if you bat your eyes just the right way..:)

Make sure at least one reliable friend knows where you’re going and when you’re expected back.

Now, for the right “getting to know you” atmosphere: At this point you’ve emailed and chatted and should have a bit of an idea of where your date would feel at ease. If neither of you are drinkers then you may want to suggest a local coffee shop or cafe. There’s a very upscale town near me that has lots of little cafes and pastry shops – just perfect for a light snack and some conversation. They even have outdoor seating in the nice weather. A bit different from the typical Starbuck’s and always fun. Which is important on a first date!

I hate those dates that feel like a job interview. I find someplace that’s comfy but a bit off from the average first date venue leaves me feeling more relaxed and thus able to work my “questions” into the normal course of conversation.

Are you both animal lovers? How about a trip to the local dog park? They’re usually connected to a “people” park and so are great places for a nice stroll.

Art lovers can visit a local museum. Check out google for small, niche museums near you. They’re smaller than most big city museums, just big enough for an hour’s worth of art (and date) appreciation.

How about window-shopping at the mall? If you both like to shop, or even just critique the current fashions or latest electronic gadgets, this could be a really fun and unique date.

Finding a great place for your first date, particularly if it’s based on what you’ve read in their profile, shows your date that you’re interested enough in them to have done a little research, and that’s always an impressive way to start off a potential relationship.

So, now you get the idea. Safety. Comfort. Conversation-friendly. Personal interests. Keep those in mind when planning the First Date and you’ll be off to a flying start.

Do you have any favorite first date meeting places?

Sharon

As people get older, they get a stronger sense of who they are, what they want, what is acceptable and what is not. This self-understanding is very important to getting involved with someone. You must know who you are before you can give your heart to another. If you don’t, you run the risk of being taken over by the other person and doing what they want and not necessarily what you want.

I think it would be very prudent for each person dating to really sit with themselves and spend time to evaluate their life, what is important to them and what they are looking for. Knowing yourself keeps balance in a relationship all the while, you remain true to your values, hopes and dreams.

Some people can be very convincing to get you to change or do something you don’t want to. I caution you and recommend you hone yourself and instinct to know if/when someone is taking advantage of you. And, to know and love and respect yourself enough to stand up for what is right for you.

Part of knowing ourselves is to know our weaknesses or bad patterns and to ensure we do not fall into those traps or let them prevent you from having who or what you want. That is just as important as knowing your self.

I recently broke up with someone I was dating and a friend of mine said to me, “that is very brave of you.” I queried “why?” She replied, “because you are alone now and don’t have anyone.” I said, “I know who I am and what I want, and if the person I am dating does not envelop that, then I need to protect myself and my heart and not lead him on and end it and move on and hope the universe and God provide me with what I do want and is good for me.” I don’t consider breaking up a relationship because it is not all you want as brave. I view it as necessary for you to achieve your hopes and dreams and not settle. And, when you know yourself, this is an easy decision.

Does knowing yourself, the good and bad, help you in making the right relationship choices in your life? Please share!

Mariann